I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
being pregnant is like rehab
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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