I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
