Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
