PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Randomize
