also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
