she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Randomize
