Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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