Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
