if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Randomize
