letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
