I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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