So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize