Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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