Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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