Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
