Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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