Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Randomize
