You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
