I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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