I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
