just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
