Someone shit on the floor
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize