You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Randomize
