saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
