dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
