why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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