There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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