i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
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