I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize