feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
