i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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