Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
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