toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
