my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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