I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
