God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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