i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
