While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
