Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
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