Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
