I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Randomize
