Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
