The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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