apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize