Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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