Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
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