Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize