I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
