everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
