I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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