: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
