Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
