don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
