i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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