im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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