I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize