Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
