Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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