I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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