"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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