well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
