Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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